just how i like my eggs

It's a good sign that I've started imagining my life without her. love-interest wise and friend-wise.

I've been looking back with a new perspective and realizing how fucked up she was/is/always has been.
it's sad to see things this way and to see that I didn't stand up for myself then, or that I didn't feel that I deserved better.

the things she did. oh the things she did.

I'm starting to understand the kind of person that I would ideally want to be with, and, guess what, she has none of the qualities that I'm looking for!  ohohohoho. how blind I have been to her vile nature. really. It's true that I've never been so attracted emotionally and physically to someone as I have been to her...but other than that she's a messy sack of shit and deceit. how horrible. all the things she's told me. I could ruin her. but she ruined me first. and now I'm ready to move on.

I had very low expectations for this past New Year's Eve and even so it ended up being probably the worst New Year's I've ever spent. but at least I was around those I love dearly. I just really didn't expect to help a semi-unconscious girl rinse vomit off her naked body in the shower. Talking about expectations, it will probably be the most action that I get with a girl during 2008. ridiculous.

today on the drive of shame from LA to my home I picked up my close friend of 15+ years. I don't talk to her very often since she lives out of state and so it was awkward to actually sit in a car with her and have ample time to talk about ourselves. So. to break a bout of silence I just brought up my current girl situation and just paused for her reaction.

Wait...what?! Are you serious? I mean. Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Um. Yes. Haha.
Whoa...I'm shocked....I never thought you were...I mean...you're not kidding?

So, it kinda went like that for the next 10 minutes until I dropped her off. It was definitely the most awkward reaction I've had, and she is definitely one of the people that I was most nervous to tell. There was a strange tension between us when we parted and I'm curious as to how we will interact next.

So, are you like the butch one or the femme-ish one?

Hahahaha. That was the best. It went well enough, considering it could have gone a lot worse. but I just feel like its freaking her out and I would like to talk with her soon and smooth things out, etc. : /

Oh and the night before, er, Dec 30, I went out with another good friend and her sister. This good friend knows my deal, but Sister did not until I finally had to just come clean when she kept asking me about Guys and wondering who I was staring at across the bar (not a guy). She was way awesome about it and made me appreciate people.

I'm looking forward to the time when I won't have to out myself on a regular basis. It's exhausting and I feel overexposed. I realize that I will encounter new people all the time who may question me or assume things about me, but having my friends and family back me up helps me breathe easy.

yawn.

Yesterday it dawned on me that the only way to get over this pseudo-relationship is to pseudo-break up with her. With this realization I kept rehearsing to myself, "I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU", in hopes that she would call me and I could say it to her. So what if I sound mentally unhinged?

Today, however, the mantra has lost it's FUCK YOU power, or maybe I've lost the short-lived strength that comes with epiphanies. Whatever the case, my weakness is an embarrassment to my ego and I hate the universe for not conspiring to fulfill my hopes and dreams.

It's almost a New Year.

I'm looking forward to it. because, you know, the future's always brighter than the present. at least right now.

I don't know why I'm so hung up over this girl. I mean, of course I know why. I know all the why's.

why?
- Because I live 45 minutes away from all my friends
- I spend all of my free time with my cat and my mom
- I have loads of free time to daydream about a relationship that doesn't exist
- She's the only person that regularly calls me
- She asks all the right questions
- She makes me feel *special*
- She's a joy. a beauty.

I am completely vulnerable toward her.

and then I watch the fucking Tila Tequila finale and something breaks in me.

This girl is not going to leave her boyfriend anytime soon. And if she does, it won't be for me.

the calls, texts, messages, wall posts, voicemails, emails, sideways glances...I can't take them anymore. I can't keep convincing myself that I'll make do with a simple friendship. It's already gone far enough.

I feel like I'm breaking up with myself. How worthless.

To catch up on this chronicle of my adjunct life:

So, the week I applied for the internships, I got 2 immediate responses, scheduled two appointments for Friday of that week, went to the first one at 10 am and got it on the spot. Didn't bother going to the next one. Felt secure and pleased enough with the first one as it is a development company that is closer to the figurative centre of Hollywood and, thus, can provide some more insight as to what this business is all about.

It's funny how when I applied for these things I didn't even have a clue what I would be doing or didn't even know the difference between a director and a producer. After going in for two days this week, I've learned a hell of a lot. Coverages, politics, deals, always at least 4 people on a phone call, sifting through shitty scripts, an extremely superficial world that is strangely provoking and is breathing vitality into my deflated life. That's not to say I'm sticking with "showbiz" forever, but you know...who knows?

In other news. I miss that girl already. I feel reluctant to talk about this situation. mostly because it makes me feel like I don't even deserve to air my secret desires, hopes, and fantasies. That if I choose to write them down anywhere, I will get bitten in the ass for it. So, fuck.

In other other news. My ex-bf confessed some things to me about his current love life. Full of intrigue and social circle inbreeding. Last night said social circle and I went out to a bar and all parties in the love quadrilateral, or maybe its a pentagon, were there and they all ended up disclosing their personal feelings at one point or another without realizing that I've turned into the nucleus, the hub, the center mass of this downward spiral of emotional despair and misguided feelings and now I am extremely capable of letting information slip if I'm not too careful. I always seem to get caught up in these dramatic webs.

In exchange for their feelings and worries I ante'd up my own personal tragedies. Just to two of them. Ex-bf and one girl involved. I gave ex-bf a decent recent history of my heart's escapades with girls and he was very pleased to hear that I still have a heart. Apparently he was concerned that I had grown too hardened and jaded from our break-up (over 2 years ago!!!) which I find kind of insulting. But still touched that he cares. He mostly thought that it was "neat" that I like girls and he kept making jokes that he needed to excuse himself to the restroom to rub one out. Charming.
The other friend that I told was equally receptive and kind about my "coming out". I gave her a shorter history of tragedies, the 2 minute version vs the standard 10-15 minute one. I didn't even say the word "gay". I just said I like this girl who has a boyfriend and it's really going to go nowhere. And it barely phased her, and she was aptly empathetic because she's in a very similar situation (only straighter), and she just gave me a hug and was very sweet to me the rest of the night.

Anyway. I'm just very pleased with how the people I know have reacted so well to this...part of me. I'm always more afraid of telling those I've known longer. and also more afraid of telling my female friends. I feel like they will be afraid to be affectionate with me, etc. But if anything they seem to be more so since knowing. Funny, eh? I think it helps to come out with a story of how I'm hung up on someone rather than just saying I'm Gay. It gives them more to work with in discussing your feelings and they can feel useful in trying to help you with that, rather than over eagerly word vomitting something about how glad they are for you and then not knowing what else to say.

so yea the end.

my heart doesn't hurt, but something is amiss. It's mostly just that my mind keeps wondering about a girl on a boat in the sea and how I won't get to talk to her for 7 days. =/  wah.

---

also, in my first post I wrote how I wouldn't ming getting paid in delicious baked goods, and so far during the 2 days I've spent at my internship I've been handed a number of delicious things including, homemade blondies, flourless brownies, and a strawberry creamcheese croissant. FUCK YEAH.

So, it's been about 1.5 days since I sent out my resume to 3 different UNPAID, PART-TIME internship positions at production companies and I've already heard back from two of them. holla. The first one said I seemed well-qualified. Well. fuck. At least my 2 degrees make me seem that way. Anyway, I'm going through a severe sneeze attack as I'm writing this, so I'm afraid I have to stop before I have snot running down my chin. siiiiiiiiiick.

Is it bad to schedule 2 interviews on the same day? Hm. We'll find out.

and gee. Can I say that I'm 2 for 3 on the job hunt? Is this stat total shit bc these "jobs" aren't really jobs? Whatever. At least I don't feel rejected.

I have another LJ that my friends read, etc. But I chose to create this separate LJ to chronicle my life as I embrace how incredibly gay I actually am and as I try to get a job. Basically, it's just gonna be about getting out of the closet and getting out into the "real" world. how fascinating for no one but me.

so far , as far as coming out goes, I've been coming out since the good year of 2004. I probably admitted to myself and in passing to others that I was attracted to girls long before that, but I never really embraced the idea of me being actually GAY until 2004. in another country. to a gay man that was my roommate. since then, I've chosen to come out slowly but surely, usually to gay male acquaintances, and then in passing conversation with roommates and people I had just met who were also struggling with their various identities and orientations. It took longer (this year of 2007) to actually come out to several of my very close friends and a few members of my family (uncle, brother, mom). It has been a very positive all throughout, even when I told my straight friend that I was really into her and then she couldn't reciprocate my feelings and then it broke my heart and I cried for days and I still can't listen to that one David Bowie song..............but it's okay, we're still friends.

anyway.

now that I feel more settled in that area of my life, and now that I've graduated and been living with my mom for over a month and not having done a fucking thing other than work on my netflix queue and watch obscene amounts of television, I finally feel compelled to get a job. or even an internship. I am lucky that I am not strapped for cash right now and that I can take advantage of the free rent, so I am willing to get an unpaid internship or get paid in the form of delicious baked goods. My priority is just to try different things and see where they will take me, as I don't really have any direction. at all.

so tonight, I sent out resumes to 3 different unpaid internship positions at production companies in the LA area. I've heard the worst about these jobs, but fuck it, I want to find out for myself how awful they are.